Ember stared down at the handful of pills in her hand. She had already taken one handful and was preparing to take the second. Life was just not worth living anymore. Under the crushing weight of depression, Ember just couldn’t take it. She had already lost her parents to alcoholism. Her sister, who also abused drugs and alcohol, had recently died from a drug overdose. The pills waited patiently in her palm. It would be easier to just end it all.

Suddenly, the bedroom door swung open so hard that it hit the wall and bounced off. Ember looked up and saw her fourteen-year-old son standing at the door, pillow and blanket in hand, who told her that he wanted to sleep in her room tonight. Ember realized that if she took the rest of the pills, it was her precious son who would find her in the morning. At that moment, Ember knew that she couldn’t take the second handful of pills. While her suicide might end her pain, it would only pass more pain to others—her husband, her sons, stepson, friends, and coworkers. She went to the bathroom and forced herself to purge the pills she’d already taken. 

Growing up in a chaotic family environment, Ember and her younger sister Maron were not set up to succeed in life. Alcoholism and drug abuse affected both parents, addictions that would pass on to the next generation. The family was part of the Catholic church, but the hard questions that Ember asked the church leaders led to her being kicked out of multiple classes. As a child, she wanted to understand so badly, but no one would take the time to have a conversation about the questions of faith she had. As they got older, Ember became the responsible one, while Maron abused alcohol and later illegal substances. As she watched her sister battle addiction and homelessness, Ember would help as she could. She bought food for the kids. She even went so far as to take in the kids for a period of time. She walked the line between enabling and helping her sister. But she also faced her own challenges. Her oldest son Dathen spent significant time in the neonatal intensive care unit after he was born, and later both of her sons were diagnosed with autism. 

Life was stressful for Ember. While she was aware of a loving God who wanted to be in relationship with her, Ember couldn’t sense his presence. For nearly twenty years she simply didn’t deal with the idea of faith. In her twenties, she had attended Christ Community Church, but she believed her faith was dead. At one point while Dathen was in the hospital, she had prayed that God would work in the situation, but as he got better, she didn’t return to God. She felt that God was distant from her. 

In 2018, Ember received a Facebook message from her sister’s account with terrible news. Maron had died. Ember didn’t believe it—surely it was a joke or someone had hacked into her account. She called her former brother-in-law to see what had happened. It was no joke—Maron’s body has been discovered at her home. She had died from a drug overdose, leaving behind her husband and her children. While many might rail at God for allowing their sibling to die, Ember’s first response was anger at her sister. How could she do this—to her sister, to her children, to her husband? How could she be so selfish? The death of her sister descended like a heavy weight on Ember. The depression was crushing. For a week she stayed in bed, only getting out when she absolutely had to work an event for her company. Family relationships were strained with her half siblings who came for Maron’s funeral and the brother-in-law. Words were exchanged which cut Ember to her core. For two months, she questioned everything she thought and said. Ember was utterly broken, trapped in the bottom of an endless pit, with no way to see the light or a way out of her situation. 

Then came a reprieve, a helping hand at just the right time. At an appointment for one of her sons, the doctor noticed that something was wrong. He asked Ember what was going on and she broke down. Through the tears streaming down her face, she managed to choke out what was going on inside of her. She needed help. The doctor, a kind man who attended CCC, sat next to her and talked to her about a group at CCC called Griefshare that had helped him process his grief after his wife had died. Ember took the helping hand and eventually began attending the group. Later she found out about the Stephen Ministry at CCC, a group of caring individuals who walk with others in their time of need, and was assigned to a woman named Lori. Ember also began attending services at CCC. Although not one who typically demonstrated emotions publicly, Ember couldn’t make it through a service without crying. She knew she needed to surrender to God. As she acknowledged to God her sins, her need for him, and her desire to surrender completely to his will, a peace flowed over her. This peace calmed the fears and anxieties and lifted the depression. In that moment, she sensed God tell her that he knew everything about her, all the good and all the bad, and that he still loved and accepted her. Feeling this acceptance and love changed Ember completely. Her emotions, thoughts, and beliefs were replaced with something new and better. She would say that the experience can’t be explained fully.

Heavenly Father, send your Spirit to flow through me like water, to carry me like the wind, to accomplish your will in your way.

Ember heard about Baptism on the Green, CCC’s annual celebration of what God is doing in and through people at the church and thought about signing up. She sensed, however, that she needed to wait to be baptized until she figured out what she had experienced. Yet baptism remained in her mind. As she participated in CCC’s Foundations class, she finally felt like she was ready to share her internal change with the world. She signed up to get baptized and asked Lori, her Stephen Minister, to baptize her. On September 29, 2019, Lori and Ember went up on stage. Sharing her faith publicly became real to Ember as she looked out to the all the people in the congregation. Lori shared Ember’s story and included a powerful prayer from the sermon series Spirit Rising: “Heavenly Father, send your Spirit to flow through me like water, to carry me like the wind, to accomplish your will in your way.” Ember was dead in her sins, buried with Christ, and raised to new life. 

By her own admission, Ember is still a young believer. She recognizes that she has so much to learn about God and living a Spirit-filled life, yet she overflows with joy from the Holy Spirit who resides within her. She is excited to share the love of Jesus that she has experienced with others. As she says, this story is not really about her—it’s all about Jesus!

Rachel Bebee is the Project Coordinator for the Communications Team at Christ Community Church.