The second love language is words of affirmation.  In communicating love, words are powerful.  Words of affection and endearment, words of praise and encouragement, words that give positive guidance all say, “I care about you.”  Even though words are quickly said, they are not soon forgotten.  A child recaps the benefits of affirming words for a lifetime.

Mark Twain once said “the difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightening and the lightening bug.”  So with our children, even if this isn’t their love language, they still need to be encouraged, and even more so if it is.

My oldest daughter Rachel wanted to learn how to whistle; so on her own she puckered her lips and started to blow air.  She came to me excited, “daddy listen”, and she puckered and blew.  Only the sound of air came out.  I said “wow, you are starting to get it, good job!  Keep practicing and you will get a lot better!”  She now can whistle good enough to fool the birds.  Now what if I had laughed and said what are you trying to do?  She might have walked away discouraged, and stopped trying.

Whatever our words are, we need to choose wisely, and use words that lift the people around us up.  Jesus said “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Here is a guide for words:

Describes your child: 

Likes others to tell them they did a good job

Favorite words include: Terrific!, good job!, you’re #1!, awesome kid!, you did it!

Some tips:

Write notes on the mirror, compliment, speak positively about them, always say I love you, praise them around others, write a letter to them, come up with a cheer or a song with their name in it, and be specific in your praise.

The third love language is quality time.  Simply put, quality time is focused attention.  It means giving your child your undivided attention.  Even if your child’s primary love language is not quality time, many children crave the undivided attention of parents.  Much childhood misbehavior is an attempt to get more time with Mom or Dad.  Even negative attention seems better than no attention to the child.

It is easier to give physical touch and words of affirmation than quality time.  The reason is because it requires real sacrifice on the part of the parents.  Few of us have enough time to do everything we need and want to do; giving a child quality time may mean that we must give up something high on our list of preferences.  So what can we do?  Is it possible to love a child and still get your own work done?  The answer is yes.  Consider giving your child fifteen minutes of quality time before you start a task, that may help you be able to get whatever it is done without too many interruptions.

Don’t miss this point; quality time is a gift of presence to a child.  It conveys this message: “you are important.  I like being with you.”  It makes the child feel that he is the most important person in the world to the parent.  He feels truly loved because he has his parents all to himself.  So, it is not the activity or the event itself, but that you are doing something together, being together.

Here is guide for quality time:

Describes your child

Loves to do things with you:  watch a movie, yard work, go out to eat, run errands, play a game.  Tries to get your undivided attention.  Wants to sit next to you or have you watch them while they are playing.

Some tips: 

Run errands together 1 on 1, date night / breakfast 1 on 1, make eye contact, ask about day, pay attention to details, plan special events / trips, eat together as a family, read together, and bedtime routine.

Other resources; 5 love languages of children study guide and the 5 love languages of children profile

Written by Jeff Neeley with portions from 5 love languages of children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell

Is your child’s primary love language physical touch?  For children who understand this love language, physical touch will communicate more deeply than telling them “I love you”, fixing a bicycle, buying them a present, or spending time with them.  Of course, they still receive love in all the languages, but for them the one with the clearest and loudest voice is physical touch.  Without hugs, kisses, pats on the back, and other physical expressions of love, their love tanks will remain less than full.

Physical touch is the easiest love language to use unconditionally, because parents don’t need an excuse to touch their child.  Think about it, even when we are busy we can still touch their arm, back, rub their head, or touch their shoulder.  My favorite is leaping off the footboard of their beds and bouncing on top of them.  On the other side of that, when you refuse physical touch it makes your child with this love language feel rejected and unloved.

My youngest, Madison, is a kindergartener, and her primary love language is physical touch.  Just this last weekend we went on a scooter ride to a pond to try and catch some frogs.  After 30 minutes of not catching a thing (I think the frogs still think it is winter) we headed back.  Madison informed me that she was tired and wanted me to carry her, so I tossed her on my shoulders and she played with my face and head the entire way back.  In fact at one time she was trying to fold my eyelids in half.  She wanted physical touch, and if she had it her way every day would be a shoulder ride tickle fest.

Each of us know that as they get older, the type of physical touch that they need changes. Boys especially can go through a time where they resist physical touch.  They suggest that you resist the urge to back off and give them the physical touch they need, however hugging and kissing them in front of their friends is not a great idea.  Instead you could wrestle, play a sport, sneak a pat on the back, or foot wrestle.   The book (The 5 Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell) does give some really good examples of what physical touch looks like through the years for both boys and girls here are just a couple of examples:

Infants and toddlers:  hugs and kisses, piggy back rides, and other playful touches, reading a book in your lap.

School age child:  hugs before and after school, wrestling, high fives, bear hugs, and sports.

Approaching adolescence and Teenager:  I would suggest reading this part.  However, they suggest that the more they feel loved at home, the healthier their relationships are with their parents; they will be better equipped to deal with the negative peer pressure that comes with growing up.

So this week, if you haven’t done so already, take the quiz on each of your children and find out what their primary language is.  After that start taking language lessons!

Other resources; 5 love languages of children study guide and the 5 love languages of children profile

Article by Jeff Neeley

When faced with tragedy, such as the bombing at the Boston Marathon, we turn our attention to our children.  We want them to feel safe as well as have the opportunity to process, grieve, and ask questions.  Unfortunately, we ourselves feel ill-prepared or unsure at times on how to discuss such a sensitive subject with our little ones.

Here are some helpful guidelines to tackle such questions:

• Make sure to pray before any conversation.  God is our ultimate counselor and provides wisdom to those who ask for it (James 1:5).
• If your children are in early elementary or younger, consider asking a question such as, “What have you heard regarding what has happened in Boston?”  This question will allow you to respond without perhaps giving more information than they have been exposed to.
• For older children, consider sitting down with them and sharing the basic points of what has happened (i.e. There was a bombing in Massachusetts, at the Boston Marathon and 3 people were killed, one a young boy, and hundreds were injured).  If they ask questions after this, you can respond to their level of concern.
• Music is soothing and can bring comfort.  You may want to make a special CD To play in your car, home, or in your child’s room at bedtime.
• Endeavor to keep normalcy in your daily routine (i.e. children sleeping in their own beds or rooms, attending classes or outside activities, etc.)
• If your child exhibits unusual fear or anxiety over this issue, consider consulting a school or grief counselor.  Pray with them and for them, showing them how they can turn to God in difficult times.
• Allowing your child to do something productive or compassionate during this time gives them a sense of empowerment and hope.
• Life and death topics bring up questions of God’s character and what happens after we die.  Remember that while we cannot always explain God, we know from Scripture that He is good and loving (1 Jn 4:8), that He allows us a free will and with that some people choose good and other choose evil (1 Pet. 4:1-8).  God is always with us and will not leave us alone (Josh. 1:9).  On day God will restore all things to Himself and to perfection (Rev. 21), and that because He conquered death, one day we too can receive life with Him in a heaven that He has prepared for us (Jn 14:1-6).
• CCC has the below books to help you in your discussions about life, death, grieving, and heaven.  They are available to check out in the library;

Heaven is No a Crying Place by Joey O’Connor

Your Grieving Child by Bill Dodds

Someone I Love Died by Christine Tangvald

When You Lose Someone You Love by Richard Exley

Article by; Tru Ministry

One thing that I want to clear up now is that I am not a bookworm.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to read.  It is a habit that I am getting better at, and I have read books that have changed the way I think and pray.  I tell you that because over the next few posts I will be giving you the “Jeff’s notes” version of one of those books, The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell.  I will suggest that you do a couple of things that might help you have a better understanding of your children AND it might even help you in your parenting:

1. Follow the link and take the short quiz on each of your children.  This will help you to begin to identify what love language they speak.  Click here to go to that site.
2. Find the book and read at least the chapters on your children’s languages.
3. If you like what you read, there is a study guide that you and/or your spouse can do.  It is also available for free.  On average there are 3-5 questions per chapter.  Click here to go to that site.

Alright, by a show of hands, who would say that they love their children?  Would you say you love them unconditionally?  Here is how Wikipedia would define it… ”Unconditional love is known as affection without any limitations.  An example of this is a parent’s love for their child; no matter a test score, a life changing decision, an argument, or a strong belief, the amount of love that remains between this bond is seen as unchanging and unconditional.”

Here’s the catch:  no matter how much you know that you love your child, your child may not be feeling loved.  For a child to feel loved, we must learn to speak his or her unique love language.  Every child has a special way of perceiving love.  There are five primary ways people speak and understand emotional love.  They are:  physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.  If you have several children, chances are they each speak different languages.  When I walk in the door from work, my youngest daughter, Madison, asks me for tickles while she is in the middle of hugging me with her legs wrapped around me.  My oldest, Rachel, loves to spend time doing things with me no matter what the activity.  If I tickled Rachel like I do Madison, she might wonder why I was hurting her.  While both ways are healthy examples of showing you love somebody, if you never speak the right language to them, they may never feel that they are completely loved.

By speaking your child’s own love language, you can fill his “emotional tank” with love.  When your child feels loved, he is much easier to discipline and train than when his “emotional tank” is running near empty.  When we are filling their tank with unconditional love, it can help them have the emotional strength to get through the challenging days of childhood and adolescence.  Just as cars are powered by reserves in the gas tank, our children are fueled from their emotional tanks.  Unconditional love is a full love that accepts and affirms a child for who he is, not for what he does or does not do.

You may find it helpful to frequently remind yourself of some rather obvious things about your children:

1. They are children.
2. They will tend to act like children.
3. Much childish behavior is unpleasant.
4. If I do my part as a parent to love them, despite their childish behavior, they will mature and give up their childish ways.
5. If I love them unconditionally, they will feel comfortable about themselves and will be better able to control their anxiety and their behavior as they grow to adulthood.

Article by Jeff Neeley

My children are 6 and 8 years old, and they are bundles of creative energy.  For a long time, we have had the same bed time routine (alone time, read a book and the Bible, vitamins, pray, sing, lights out.)  In fact you may have experienced this — my youngest is queen at milking every extra minute out of her bedtime.   Don’t get me wrong, my oldest does try to stretch it, but her approach is more direct.  However, Madison will ask any random question knowing that I always feel compelled to answer, and she will keep going with follow up questions until I cut her off.  The longest she has ever stretched me has been 35 minutes, not my best performance.

This has also been the time when both of them have asked the most questions about God about which we never stop until they are done.  As parents, we are the primary spiritual leaders in our children’s lives, and it is important for us to create an atmosphere in our homes where they feel comfortable coming to us with any question about anything at any time.  We need to be prepared both in season and out of season (2 Timothy 4:2).

One way that we create that space is by praying with them every night and trying to always end with a blessing.  The blessing can be done in many ways, but the more intentional you are about it, the more powerful it will be.  Since my children are already tucked in, we hold hands as we pray, “God, I pray that You would bless Rachel, that Rachel will know how crazy You are for her, that she will know Your voice when You are talking to her, and that when she hears You that she would listen and obey because she loves You, amen.”  I also try to say something about what we read that night; for example, if we read about the 10 lepers, I would add something about having a thankful heart for all that He has done for her.

You can also encourage your children to hold out their hands, palms up, as a symbolic posture of receiving—expecting to hear and receive from God. You can put your hands on your child’s head … or kneel and look him in the eye as you bless him. This time of blessing provides another great opportunity to integrate your use of the Bible into the worship experience, reinforcing to the children that these words come straight from the Word, God’s Word.

A blessing can be a prayer of commission, a portion of Scripture, encouragement and guidance. A blessing can be offered in order to ask God’s Spirit to overflow from the child’s life in such a way that blesses others, while it can also be prayed over a child for the purpose of declaring God’s protection, joy, or wisdom.

Article by Jeff Neeley

(Portions taken from Tru curriculum)

Continued from February 26, 2013

I’ve often used written prayers to give me ideas on what to pray for my children.  Stormie Omartian has some good books on praying for your children.  The chapters deal with different character traits and issues and it gives great insights on what and how to pray effective prayers.  I’ve prayed with a group of moms for years and we’ve used a prayer book to help us focus on an attribute to pray for our kids.  There is a so much power in praying with other parents who can support you and give you insights that you overlooked.  I would encourage you to find some parents from church or school to meet with weekly to lift your children before the Lord and stand as a strong, united front against the enemy.

There may come a time in your child’s life when they choose not to follow the Lord.  God has given everyone the free will to choose Him or not.  You can’t force your child to follow the Lord, but no one can stop you from praying for them to have their hearts turned toward the Lord and open to receiving true life from Him. By praying you can help them to hear from God so He can lead them to do what He wants.  Pray like the life of your child depends on it, but then also rest in knowing that the God who loves them most already has the victory.  Worry and fear only discourage you and waste precious time that would be more effectively spent in prayer.

I love the verse, “the prayer of a righteous man (or woman) is powerful and effective” (James 5:16) and I’ve found this to be true so many times in the lives of my kids.  I may not say the most elegant words, but God knows the intentions of my heart and delights in answering my prayers.   I can take heart that with God, the victory is certain and my prayers made a difference in the lives of my kids.

Article by Dawn Belknap

Resources:

• The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian
• Biblical Virtues to pray for your kids bookmark by Bob Hostetler

Praying for your kids

1. Find one or more people to pray weekly with you for your children.
2. Pray as a couple
3. Turn off the radio in your car and use the time to connect to God in prayer
4. Fast from something and use the time spent on that activity to pray.
5. Use bedtime as a time to pray your desires for your children in their presence.

Nothing brings out the Mama Bear reaction in me as quickly as when I feel my kids are being attacked. It makes me bear my teeth and claws and feel ready to jump into action to protect my kids. It’s easy to want to defend them against bullies and seen forces, but in reality my kids are being attacked by an unseen enemy whose desire is to kill, steal, and destroy them. I’ve often chalked up hard times to “bad luck” or “stages of life,” not even thinking that evil forces could be at the heart of my child’s struggles. It wasn’t until both of my kids were struggling in their teen years that I learned to stand in the gap and pray in the power and authority of Jesus’ name for them. God makes His power available to us. Ephesians one says, “I pray you will begin to understand the incredible greatness of His power for us who believe in Him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead.” God gives us that power to speak in the name of Jesus and His power “is far above any ruler or authority,” including Satan. We can speak victory over our children. I often pray that if the struggle my children are facing is coming from Satan, that God would be their defender and I command Satan to leave in the name and authority of Jesus living in me.  When we use the name of Jesus, Satan has to obey!

In my early days of prayer I would pray for very specific things for my children, usually with regards to some circumstance they were facing. Now I’ve learned to pray more for what they will learn through that circumstance and how God will build their character. For example, instead of praying that they will pass a test, I pray that they will learn the value of hard work and preparation and be rewarded for their efforts. In effect, I feel this is praying not for MY will to be done but rather for God’s will to be done in their character and spiritual formation.

Praying scripture is a perfect way to pray God’s will for your kids. Find verses and insert your child’s name. Here’s how I would pray Proverbs 3:3-4 for my daughter, “May Brenna wear kindness and loyalty around her neck and never let them get away from her. Write them deep within her heart. Then she will have a good reputation and find favor with both God and man.” I might then pray further about her reputation or other things God would want to write within her heart. Continue to claim God’s promises for your children and even memorize the verses so you can pray them at any time. God’s Word is powerful!

When your children are facing a strong challenge, God encourages us to fast and pray. Somehow when we are at our weakest, it releases God’s power to be even stronger. Choose a time frame to fast from food or something else that consumes your time, and use that time to be intentional to pray for your child. I usually get past the point of being hungry and tired and get to a new heighten awareness of God’s presence where He gives me a deeper understanding and more focused prayer. Fasting is a powerful weapon God gives us that is largely unused by Christians today; but I can testify that it works! You may need to continue to bring the same requests to the Lord until He either changes the situation or changes your child’s heart. Luke 11:9-10 says, “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And the door is opened to everyone who knocks.”

Come back next week, for the second installment and some great resource material.

From Dawn Belknap

We believe that the Holy Spirit is God’s chosen teacher and it is He who causes spiritual growth and formation when and as He chooses, our Kids Connect curriculum is designed to have ten environments that we desire our parents and leaders will help create in the home and at church.

Think of an environment as a “climate”…what kind of climate did your home have growing up? What kind of climate do we want kids to experience God in?  In this model, kids won’t necessarily “know” the environment or learn about it, they simply get to “live in it” as we understand their value and create it for them.

Following is a statement that captures the essence of each of these ten environments:

• Storytelling- “God has a Big Story and I can be a part of it!”
• Identity- “I belong to God and He loves me!”
• Faith Community- “God’s family cares for each other and worships God together.”
• Serving- “Asks the question, ‘What needs to be done?’”
• Out of the Comfort Zone- “God transforms me when I step out in faith”
• Responsibility- “God has entrusted me with the things and people around me that He has created”
• Course Correction- “When I get off track, God offers me a path of healing”
• Love and Respect- “God fills me with His love so I can give it away”
• Knowing- “God knows me and I can know Him”
• Modeling- “I see Christ in others and they can see Him in me”

You can find the monthly environment on the HomeFront handout given to your child each week or at http://cccomaha.org/kids-connect.php.  Click HomeFront under the News Feed to view the parent weekly or monthly HomeFront.

HomeFront monthly is a great resource to help with planning family activities based on the 10 environments.  Each month highlights one environment.  The ideas are designed for families with kids of all ages and are a snap to organize.

Not sure how to pull off a family night?  Experience a HomeFront night on Friday February 8, 2013 from 6:30-8:00PM.

Resource available: Spiritual Parenting by Dr. Michelle Anthony; you can purchase at the Resource booth in the Atrium or from a Kid’s Connect staff member for $15.

Who doesn’t love a good story? Ever noticed the change in the pews when the pastor shifts gears and begins to tell a story? Heads pop up, folks sit up straighter, even kids stop goofing around. A story is a wonderful tool. As parents, we can use the environment of storytelling as a powerful method of getting our children’s attention. God has given us two amazing stories of redemption to tell our children and help put them on the path of the divine (so that the heart-changer, the Holy Spirit, can do His work). Now, the trick is we need to be sharing these stories with our children.

In a world that encourages people to believe “it is all about ME,” we have the opportunity to tell our children a different story. This is God’s story, THE story, the one that is all about HIM….from the creation of the world to today to the day that Jesus returns. This mindset will have us swimming against the stream of culture. However, let us not miss the chance to share with our kids the greatest story ever told. In a culture of “heroes” who fall each and every day, we have the true hero – Jesus! And while we are not the center of THE story, we each have a wonderful role to play as supporting actors or actresses. We can tell our children, “You are a part of God’s amazing story! He has given you a unique part and given you gifts and talents to be able to play that part!” We can encourage our children to live expectantly, looking for how God wants to use them in His story. Life isn’t all about us, but it sure is an exciting adventure. I have a friend who put a colorful sign on their back door as a reminder each time they left their home. It read. “Who will God put in your life today? Be watching.” We can talk about God’s Big Story and how we are a part of it all of the time. As God instructs in Deuteronomy 6, “talk about them [these commandments] when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.”

The Kids Connect curriculum used by CCC does a wonderful job of storytelling. The Bible stories that the kids learn are not isolated lessons, they are told as a part of the tapestry of God’s Big Story! As parents, we should not be afraid to tackle explaining The Big God Story to our children. Remember, we don’t have to be Bible experts, and there are wonderful tools available to help us with this task. The book, Spiritual Parenting, and its accompanying DVD series (which are available at the media booth in the atrium) include a visual tool that we can use to tell God’s story to our kids. Also, Dr. Michelle Anthony wrote a children’s book called The Big God Story. This book takes readers from the beginning of God’s story to Jesus’ return. The Big God Story points readers to Jesus as the hero and places each of us in God’s Story as well. The Jesus Storybook Bible is another wonderful resource for Bible stories that each point to Jesus Christ as the main character of the Big Story.

The second story that we have the opportunity and responsibility to tell our children is our own! The Big God Story tells how God redeemed the world through His son, and our own story tells how we have been redeemed through the power of Christ. We assume that our kids know that we have a faith in Christ, but do they know how we came to that faith? If they don’t know how we got here, how can we expect them to know how to have a faith in Christ for themselves? Our stories may be simple or

complicated, “boring” or filled with twists and turns. Each of our faith stories is unique. But, God desires to use each of them. I encourage you to take time to think about your own story, maybe even write down your thoughts. Be prepared to talk with your kids about it “when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get
up.” (Deut. 6:7) We can begin to share parts of our story even when our kids are little. A conversation with my kids might start something like, “Have I ever told you about my friend Morrow and how I could tell there was something different about her? Her love for Jesus shined through.” Or, since our stories are each continuing day by day, I can share how I saw Jesus at work in my life today as He spoke to me through His Word. As we let our kids in on the fact that we have our own story and are each a part of God’s Big Story, they can start to envision the role that they play as well.

Some of us may feel ill-equipped for this storytelling task….take heart! Although we are never going to be perfect parents, we were chosen to be just the right parents for our children. And, we are given the opportunity to put them in the path of a perfect God. Praise the Lord!

Portions of this blog were adapted from “Spiritual Parenting” by Michelle Anthony

Spiritual parenting is not perfect parenting!  Most parents judge their success by the behaviors that their children exhibit.  I would like to propose that the goal in parenting is to pass on a vibrant transforming faith so our children hear and discern God’s voice, desire to obey God’s voice in the power of God’s spirit.

Ephesians 5:15-17 speaks of being wise, not unwise and the importance of making the most of every opportunity.  As parents we want to redeem the time (all the moments) that we have with our children.  This is our role as spiritual parents.

In order to redeem the time we have with our children we desire to place our children in the path of the divine so that they grow to know, love and follow Jesus.  I can control the behavior of my children but I can’t cause the internal change; heart change is the responsibility of the Holy Spirit.  That is why we as parents we want to place our kids in environments where God can be put on display.

I remember the relief I experienced when I acknowledged it is not my job to cause my children to have a transforming faith.  Placing that responsibility where it beings, in the hands of our redeeming, transforming God allowed me to set aside a burden that I was erroneously carrying.  It also helped me to dispel the lie that managing behavior resulted in spiritual growth in my children.  This doesn’t mean I ignore my responsibility to train my children but I do this with the confidence that God knows what my children need more than I do.  God is the source I draw from as I parent.

The curriculum utilized by CCC in Kids Connect has a parent component called HomeFront.  Each week an environment (way in which God is placed in a child’s path) is highlighted in the HomeFront weekly.  Take notice of this section of your HomeFront to help you grow in your knowledge of how to spiritually lead your children.  Next time you walk by the large wood walls in the Kid’s Connect hallways, read the 10 environments on the board.  Want to know more?  Purchase the book “Spiritual Parenting” at the media booth in the atrium.  Another way to learn more is to take the Spiritual Parenting class OR even better, use the DVD series with your Journey Group or others.  Call the Kids Connect office to reserve the Spiritual Parenting curriculum for your group.

Portions of this blog were adapted from “Spiritual Parenting” by Michelle Anthony